Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Dirty more dishes.

I used to think that the ideal number of dirty dishes was "as few as possible", but I have recently made the discovery that the ideal number is actually "enough to fill the dishwasher once a day". It seems counterintuitive, but it actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it. I used to only ever use the dishwasher if I was behind on dishes (which, admittedly, I usually was), because it seemed wasteful to run a partial load, and if the dishes sat in there for more than a day, I would go crazy looking for things I use every day (like my kefir strainer and my DMIUFCEM) and have to dig them out of the dishwasher and hand wash them after all. Dishes that sat for longer also needed more of a pre-scrub (or more of a post-scrub, if I didn't pre-scrub them) than dishes that were washed the same day.

So, my amazing discovery has been that: More dirty dishes = Running dishwasher more often = Actually washing fewer dishes. Hooray!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you're taking baby wipes out of a standard wipes container to refill a travel wipes container, flip the container upside-down and take your wipes from the bottom. This way, you don't have to rethread the top wipe every time you take some out.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you have enough dinner leftovers to make another whole meal, pack them up and freeze them. Then, flip ahead a few weeks in your day planner (or online calendar or menu planner), and write "leftover __________ for dinner (in freezer)". This kills two birds with one stone: you don't have to worry about the leftovers being forgotten, and you'll have one day a few weeks from now where you won't have to plan anything for dinner!

(If you're extra geeky, like me, you can make it an event on your Google Calendar, then set a 24-hour reminder so you'll remember to take it out of the freezer.)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you're doing a big cleaning job, remove the lid from the trash can. It might only save a few seconds every trash trip, but over the course of a few hours of heavy cleaning, it really adds up.

(If you have a cheapo trash can that you have to open with your hand, like ours, it saves you even more time, because you can carry two-handed loads over to the trash without worrying about how you'll get it open once you get there.)

Words to Live By

I can't go grocery shopping, because I have no fridge space to put things away.
I can't clean out the fridge, because I have no counter space to move things to.
I can't clean the counters, because they're covered in dirty dishes.
I can't wash the dirty dishes, because the dishwasher is full of clean dishes.
And it's my husband's turn to empty the dishwasher.

No matter what the problem might be, you can always find a way to blame someone else.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Whenever possible, use the same dish for preparing and serving food. Unless your fancy aunt is coming over for dinner, I don't think anyone is going to care if you serve your rice in the pot it was cooked in, or if you just move the crock from the crockpot to the table when it's time to serve the food.

On a related note: Whenever possible, use the same dish for preparing and eating food. For example, I make my morning coffee with a one-cup coffee maker that brews the coffee directly into my mug. No pot to wash! And I make my smoothies in wide-mouth mason quart jars, which serve triple duty. The measurements on the side save me using a measuring cup, the wide mouth lets me use my immersion blender rather than dirtying my big, cumbersome countertop blender, and when it's all done, I can just drink straight out of the jar like a giant cup!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Let your kids sleep in their clothes. That way, when you're too lazy to get everyone dressed in the morning, no one ever has to know.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Get a chest freezer, and stick it right in the kitchen where your clutter-covered-kitchen-table-that-you-never-eat-at-because-you-can't-get-at-it is. I could probably split this tip up into several posts, but here are the reasons I love my in-kitchen chest freezer:

1. Frozen food keeps colder longer in a chest freezer, so it's not as big of a deal if I don't rotate through the freezer stuff as often as I should.
2. I have plenty of space to freeze leftovers rather than putting them in the fridge, where they often spoil before I remember to consume them.
3. The top of the freezer is a huge, flat surface that can be used as a countertop. However, it has two advantages over a regular countertop:
   1. You have to open the freezer sometimes, so it regularly gets cleared off completely.
   2. It is open at the side, so you can set the trash can right beside it and shove trash or vegetable peels right off the edge into the trash can.
4. When you have easy access to the chest freezer, rather than it being stowed away in the basement, you're more likely to use it.
5. Several square feet of additional ferrous surface for the kids to put magnets and artwork on.
6. When you order pizza for dinner, you don't have to worry about making room in the fridge for the leftovers - just stick the whole box right in the freezer. (Added bonus: When you pack frozen pizza for lunch, it stays cold until you eat it.)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Don't hide your Crappy Housewifery. Advertise it, and you'll be the most welcome houseguest around.

We just got back from a road trip, and we visited and/or stayed with several friends along the way. At every house, my hostess would say to me, "You know, I normally get so stressed out when company is coming, but I read your blog, I knew you wouldn't mind!" And then we get to relax and have an enjoyable visit, without anyone worrying about the fingerprints on the windows. Win/win!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you're using pasta sauce from a jar, don't waste your time heating it up. Just put the cold or room-temperature sauce on your hot pasta and stir. Not only does this save cooking time and stop you from dirtying a whole extra sauce pot, but it also cools the pasta down instantly to the correct eating temperature for kids!

(Addendum: If you like a lot of sauce, or if you like your pasta to be really hot, you can modify this tip. Spoon one portion of sauce into the bottom of the bowl you plan on eating from, and heat it up in the microwave while you are serving the kids their luke-warm bowls. Then, when your sauce it hot, just put your hot pasta on top of it, and stir it up!)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Buy good dishwasher detergent. I used to think the detergent didn't make a difference. I also used to think that I had to presoak and prescrub all the dishes. As it turns out, my two misconceptions were connected. On a whim one day, I bought a detergent that said something on the label about getting out caked on food. I tried it out on a load of spaghetti dishes that had been sitting for a week. Out of a full load of extremely crusty dishes, I only had to rewash 2 or 3. Those are pretty good odds (considering my experiments with my regular detergent and crusty dishes usually resulted in a 50% rewash). I'd rather rewash a couple dishes than prewash all the dishes. It's simple math!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

At least once a year, convince yourself that you don't have to be a Crappy Housewife forever. Buckle down and commit to some kind of crazy system or scheme. (My annual scheme is Hour-a-Day April.) Really, truly believe that you can change. Work your tail off as long as the motivation lasts.

And then, if it doesn't last forever (which it never does), at least your house is in better shape than it was before. Having a clean house once a year is better than never, right?

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Invite friends over for leftovers. You might be bored of them, but they are new to your friends!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Out of clean dishes, and it's almost time for dinner? You could wash some dishes, or, you could have a Finger Food Buffet! Tonight, instead of washing, and then re-dirtying, 4 plates and 4 forks, I piled all the ham on one platter, stuck it in the middle of the table, and we all went to town. I actually didn't even make any proper side dishes today. We just ate our ham with slices of homemade bread, and had some apple slices for dessert. (We eat well-balanced meals most of the time; one slightly lopsided buffet isn't going to hurt anyone.)

Added bonus: The kids think they have won the dinner lottery! They get to eat all the ham they want, and they get to eat with their fingers! I'm the best mom ever!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Don't watch Hoarders. It kinda makes this blog feel a whole lot less funny.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Find a hobby that requires a clean __________. That way, you will be motivated to clean the __________.

Ever since I started baking bread, my counters have stayed relatively clean, because I need counter space to roll out the dough. I don't enjoy cleaning counters, but I do enjoy baking bread, and the desire to have a place to roll out the dough usually outweighs my lack of desire to clean the counters. (If I really don't feel like cleaning the counter, I can always use the machine to bake the bread, but I like the way it tastes better when I bake it in the oven, which is a pretty good motivator. Plus, I have to do find *something* to do for the hour and a half while the machine is doing all the hard work mixing and kneading the dough for me.)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Use Vis-à-Vis Wet Erase Markers to label leftovers. They write beautifully on glass (you'll recall that glass is one of the best fridge storage materials), and the ink comes right off with just a little water (and no scrubbing!).

Some other uses for Vis-à-Vis markers:
-leave messages directly on windows/mirrors/fridges/doors for your spouse or housemates
-leave reminders for yourself on things you need to clean (toilets, windows, etc)
-hang an empty picture frame and use it as a to-do list or menu or weekly schedule
-help a preschooler tell time by circling the number on the clock that the big hand will be pointing to when it's time to go
-draw mustaches on framed family portraits




Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with the Vis-à-Vis marker company, and I didn't receive anything in exchange for writing this post. I just like this product.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Keep a disposable plastic spoon inside the Ovaltine container. That way, you don't have to dirty a new spoon every time you make chocolate milk. What's that, you say, you still need to dirty a spoon to stir? Not if you use a sippy cup! Just screw the lid on, put your finger over the spout, and shake!

Note: Putting your finger over the spout isn't technically necessary, but sometimes, shaking creates enough pressure to open the valve (especially if you are making warm chocolate milk), so it's a good precaution.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When demoting a worn-out shirt to the rag bag, cut it up. That way it won’t find its way mysteriously back into your husband’s shirt drawer. Depending on what sort of rags I am low on, I cut up new additions differently. If I think I might want to use it as a painting smock for an adult, I might cut the sleeves off (for a child, cut the back open top to bottom). If I need dusting cloths, I’ll cut it into small pieces, throwing away the hems and seams. If I’m not sure what I’ll need, because my rag bag is overflowing, I’ll cut straight across under the armpits, throwing out the top half and saving the biggest solid chunk of fabric for future use.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you have a cookbook that won't lie flat (like the one that came with my bread machine), put a clear glass casserole dish on top of it to hold it open to your page.

Added bonus: If you spill ingredients while you are baking, they will land in the casserole dish, rather than in your recipe book.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Squash your toilet paper rolls into ovals when you hang them up. This slows down the unrolling and encourages people (especially little people) to use less paper. It's not going to stop your curious toddler from unrolling the whole roll, but it will slow down the "yank->whee!->yank->whee!" process, and it also adds a tell-tale clunking sound that serves as an "Uh oh, the baby is unrolling the toilet paper" alarm (which is slightly more effective than the usual "Hmm, the baby has been quiet for too long" alarm).

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you're struggling to clean gunk out of a groove, check to see if the item comes apart. I spent years being annoyed at a little gunk-accumulating groove in my hand blender, using all kinds of brushes and pointy objects to try to get in there, then one day I realized that the blade part screws right off. It's so much easier to clean, now!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Choose one mug to be your Designated Mug I Use For Coffee Every Morning. I have a tendency to not wash dishes unless I need them to use right now, so mugs are one of those things that I will shove to the side while washing the dishes I have fewer of, like my one cutting board (I used to have three, whatever happened to the other two?) I only drink coffee once a day, but somehow, whenever I finally get around to washing all of the dishes, there are at least a dozen dirty mugs sitting there. (I suspect that dirty mugs may breed on counters. There certainly always seem to be too many of them to fit in the cupboard once I finally get them clean.)

So, the last time I got all the mugs clean, I chose one to be my DMIUFCEM. As soon as I am done my morning coffee, I wash the DMIUFCEM, so it will be clean and ready for the next day. Haha, just kidding. The next morning, while my coffee is brewing, I search the house for where I left the DMIUFCEM, and wash it out when I find it. It just had coffee in it less than a day ago, and it's about to have coffee in it again, so a quick rinse will usually suffice.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Start a Casserole Club. One night a week, you make two casseroles for dinner, and bring one to a friend. And one night a week, you don't have to make dinner, because a friend will be bringing a casserole to you. It's so simple and brilliant (if I do say so myself). My Casserole Club makes sure that my family gets at least two proper dinners every week: One that someone else cooked for us, and one that I had to cook because I was cooking for someone else (which somehow is a much more effective motivator than just cooking for my family).

For full Casserole Club details, see my other blog.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Plan a play date on your birthday, so the house has to be clean. Then go out for dinner on your birthday, so your house can stay clean for one whole day. It's like giving a birthday present to yourself.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

I don't have a dishwasher so I do all my dishes with a brush and soap. That's a lot of brushing and soaping, and in particular, I get sick of picking up that bottle of soap over and over to squirt it on stuff (liberally!). So I make a little puddle of soap at the back of the sink, next to the faucet and just dip the brush in it over and over. Works great. Also sets a great example for my 3-year-old who likes to squirt soap, glue, mustard and anything else that can be squeezed out.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you have a toddler who is always getting into the trash, try turning your trash can around so the lid opens towards the wall.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

What do you do when you're cleaning out the fridge, and you have to dispose of items that are semi-liquid/semi-solid (like soups and stews and spoiled milk)? You can't put them in the trash, or it might leak, and you can't put them down the drain, or it might get blocked up (unless you have a garbage disposal, in which case, ignore this tip).

Put a strainer/colander in the sink, and dump all the soups, etc. into the strainer. The liquids will drip through and go down the drain, and the solids will stay behind, to be thrown in the trash. If you want to be really thorough, run some hot water over the solid gunk to dislodge any sticky liquid or jellified broth before dumping it all in the trash.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Coffee.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you're making your morning coffee, make an extra cup for your afternoon iced coffee. Put it directly in a tall drinking glass (so you don't need to dirty another dish later) and stick it in the fridge. If you take sugar in your coffee, add it now, while the coffee is still hot and the sugar will dissolve. Then, when you have a hankering for iced coffee later in the day, all you have to do is add the milk!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If there is something in the kitchen that you need to remember to do before bed, like moving the hot broth that is cooling on the counter into the fridge, leave the kitchen light on. Then, when you're on your way to bed, you'll have to go back into the kitchen to turn off the light, and you're more likely to remember the broth if you have to walk past it.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you use browned butter to grease your casseroles, it is tastier, and also, the telltale black flecks stick to your pan so you can tell if you've scrubbed all of it or not. You won't miss a spot!

(Submitted by Shreyas)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Always pack an overnight bag for long car trips, even if you're not planning on stopping for the night. That way, when you hit a snow storm in Watertown (there's always a snow storm in Watertown), you can get a hotel room and just grab that one bag, without having to dig through all your stuff to find clean underwear.

Or, if you're stubborn like me and you just keep driving and get home at 4:00 in the morning, you don't have to unpack the whole car - you can just bring your overnight bag into the house, and unpack the rest the next day. Or the next day after that. Or, well, eventually, anyhow.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you're buying a new fridge, do it in the winter. Then you can put all the food outside to stay cold while you are waiting for the new fridge to be delivered.

Words to Live By

Efficiency: Cleaning out the car from the last road trip while packing for the next road trip.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

With the exception of new and heavily-dyed clothing, I don't really sort laundry by colors anymore. I sort by "effort required to fold". When I'm doing multiple loads, the first load will be the fiddly, annoying stuff - mostly my shirts and the girls' clothes. I usually have more energy for folding at the beginning of a laundry day, so I try to get the annoying stuff out of the way first. Next, I tackle the bulky stuff that folds up quickly and easily - like bath towels and Jeremy's shirts. Finally, I wash the things that don't really need to be folded at all, like socks and underwear, so that when laundry day bleeds into laundry night, I can just stick them in the dryer and go to bed, without worrying about the inevitable wrinkles in the morning. (This also works out nicely because the socks and underwear tend to sink to the bottom of the hamper, anyhow.)

I use the same logic when I'm doing just one load of laundry, and not tackling the whole pile. I start by throwing in the things I need right away, and as I throw them in, I assess the time required to fold them. Then I throw in towels or shirts or socks to fill the washer the rest of the way, based on how much remaining folding energy I expect to have.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Never buy a white shirt for a baby or a toddler.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

The "Kids Getting Into Stuff" Equation

When the kids are getting into something, and enjoying it, sometimes it's worth just letting them play and explore the world on their own messy terms. Here's how to know when to interfere and when to let it slide:

If F (how much fun the kids are having) times L (how long it will keep them entertained and out of your hair) times N (whether or not they know it's naughty, where N is a sliding scale from 1 to 0 with 1 being completely innocent play, and 0 being "Mom just told us not to do this three minutes ago, and we fully understood") is greater than C (amount of time and effort it will take to clean it up) times D (likelihood of irreparable damage or bodily harm), then just let them play, and deal with the mess later.
If FLN<CD then intervene
If FLN=CD then the only logical course of action is to join in. I bet smearing soap on the bathroom walls really is just as fun as they are making it look.




I'm sure my equation has mathematical errors. This is just a blog, not a web comic.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you finally tackle that mountain of dishes, and you encounter nasty, moldy dishes, choose to be impressed rather than grossed out. Each moldy dish is a work of art and a science lesson all rolled into one. Observe the colors, the textures, the growth patterns. There's your standard green and black, but is that a blue mold under there? Did you ever notice how much more mold is formed when another dish is on top, keeping the moisture in? Or how moldy fruit smells like wine, but moldy vegetables smell like farts? It's fascinating!

(It has to be. Otherwise, it's depressing.)

Words to Live By

Sometimes, you just need a day where everyone stays in their pajamas and does nothing all day. Every day. For a week. Or two.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

After mopping, put two towels under your feet, and skate around the floors, drying them as you go. This prevents slips and falls and dirty footprints. (I definitely did NOT learn this trick from working at a certain coffee shop where the practice was decidedly frowned upon.)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you only have time for a rush cleaning, start with the most obvious areas - toys on the living room floor, dishes on the dining room table, etc. If you have time for a deep cleaning, start with the most neglected areas - the clutter pile, the countertop under the toaster oven, etc. If you run out of time for deep cleaning, you can always get to the obvious stuff later, but if you do the obvious stuff first, you’ll never get around to the deep cleaning.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Don’t forget about gravity. If you need to clean the counters and the floors, clean the counters first. Otherwise, you’ll be cleaning the floors twice.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you want to record a cute video of your kids dancing, or make a tutorial for your other blog, and you don't feel like cleaning up the living room, just shovel all the crap to one side of the room, then crop the messy half of the room out of sight.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Get a smaller trash can.

I know, I know, this seems like a backwards tip. Shouldn't I be telling you to get a bigger trash can, so you can put off taking out the trash for a few more days? That was what I thought at first, too. But I have learned something about myself: I will put off taking out the trash until I can't balance another item on the mound. Once a piece of trash tumbles off the pile for the fourth or fifth time, I will cave and take out the trash. This presents three problems when you have a big trash can: 1. You can't get the bag shut, because there's too much stuff in it, 2. The bag is too heavy to carry, and/or 3. The trash has been sitting in the bottom of the bag for far too long, and the lowest level of trash has liquefied, making a leak that much more nasty (and, proportionately, that much more likely).

So, buy a trash can that is just a little bit too small. It will make you take the trash out more often, and save you a lot of headaches in the long run. (But keep buying the bigger trash bags, for those days when you really need the extra trash space, when you can just take the bag out of the can and fill it to your heart's content.)

Bonus tip: If you live in an apartment building with a garbage chute, buy a REALLY small trash can. There's nothing worse than getting to the chute and realizing your bag won't fit, so make sure a full trash can will always fit.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Not sure if those leftovers are still good? Just put off dealing with them for a few more days. Then they definitely won’t be good, and you won’t feel so guilty throwing them out.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you are doing a bunch of laundry and know that there is no way you are going to get around to folding it all, fold one large item in the load and set it on the top of the unfolded laundry in the basket. This way when you come back to the unfolded stuff a week later you won't mistake the unfolded mess for dirty laundry. Also, saves you from the sniff test to check if stuff is clean or dirty!

(Submitted by Trish)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Hate sorting socks? Get rid of all your socks and replace them with several packs of the exact same kind. No more sorting! Just put them all in the drawer. When you need a pair, grab two and go!

(Submitted by a whole bunch of people. I actually did this with my husband's socks - he has only two kinds of socks, now, ankle socks and long socks, all the same. I like variety in my sock drawer too much to do this for myself, but it's tempting!)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Join a gym. It's amazing how many productive things I get done around the house when I'm putting off going to the gym.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Before you mop, empty your trash can, then use it as a mop bucket. This helps get some of the garbage-stink out of the trash can, and it saves you having to remember where you put the mop bucket.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you have kids who tend to think that "playing with" toys is the same as "dumping out" toys, minimize the clean-up by putting away Lego in clumps of 5 or 6 bricks. Putting away 20 clumps is easier than putting away 100 individual bricks. (Or, you know, just hide the Lego completely.)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you put bibs in the laundry hamper, turn the pockets inside out. (Unless you like finding cheerios in your clean laundry.)

Aside: I was going to say, "Wash bibs with the pockets inside out," but doing it when you put them in the hamper lets you get out the nastiest goop right now, rather than letting it rot in the hamper. It also gives you a second chance to do it when you are transferring them to the washer, in case you forgot the first time.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Place a sock basket in you laundry room and when socks are done, just put them in the basket. If someone wants socks, they can find the mate!

(Submitted by Scatterbrained Homemaker)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

It doesn’t matter that the trash has been overflowing for days. It doesn’t matter that taking out the trash is his job. He won’t notice. Just take the trash out yourself.



Or, alternatively, you can always reframe your laziness as righteous indignation:

"But it's been overflowing for days! Taking the trash out is his job! I'll just pile a few more things on, and he's bound to notice!!"

(When in doubt, take a picture and blog about it.)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Keep a wide assortment of brushes near the kitchen sink for getting congealed gunk out of grooves. One size does not fit all. I have a bottle brush for bottles, a pipe cleaner for one kind of sippy cup, a paint brush for another kind of sippy cup, and a stiff brush for cheese graters and my dimpled frying pan.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you have a griddle or Foreman Grill, you can clean it by putting it on medium heat and setting a wet wash cloth/paper towel on it. When it has steamed a while, use another cloth/paper towel to clean it off. Use cool water to avoid burning your own hand.

(Submitted by Scatterbrained Homemaker)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When baking, line cookie sheets with parchment paper. Not only does it stop the cookies from sticking to the pan, but it makes clean-up literally as easy as throwing the parchment paper in the trash and putting the cookie sheet straight back in the cupboard. (I also line loaf pans with tinfoil for the same effect. You can use the tinfoil to lift the banana bread straight out of the pan, then just put the pan back in the cupboard.)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

So you bought a brand new glue stick, and after your first craft using it, a forgetful child leaves the cap off. When you finally get around to cleaning up the craft several days later, it is a shriveled peg of dried glue. Oh well, throw it out, right? Wrong! You can rehydrate dried-out glue sticks! Just fill with water, stick the cap on, and leave it overnight. Tomorrow morning, you will have a brand new glue stick again!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

While waiting for hubby to bring cans of soup home for supper, boil water in the kettle to get a head start. Then when the soup comes, you only really have to boil the condensed soup. It's "souper" fast!

(Submitted by Julia)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Take the padded cover off of the high chair; the hard plastic underneath is much easier to clean.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you make Jell-O, save yourself a dish and bypass the serving bowl. Divide the unjelled liquid evenly between dessert bowls or ramekins and let it set in them. Not only does this save you from washing an unnecessary dish, but it also looks fancier. It's always win-win when lazy makes you look fancy.

Crappy Housewife Tutorial: Circuit Cleaning

Your kitchen counters.

Home of dirty dishes, appliances, and tons of other random crap that just accumulates there no matter how hard you try to keep it away. And you know that the only way to clean them properly is to remove all that crap and scrub them, but there's just so. much. crap. And besides, where else is it all supposed to go? So, you shove stuff to the side, and wipe the bits you can see, and before you know it, the toaster oven is glued to the counter with some kind of mystery substance.

Circuit cleaning lets you deep clean without having to relocate all that stuff. You start by clearing out one manageable section of counter, cleaning it thoroughly, then putting everything back and moving on to the next section. (Note: this method also works on other cluttery areas, like mantels or bedrooms.) It's really pretty simple, and you're probably already doing it, but since I've been neglecting this blog (and my house) lately, I deep-cleaned my kitchen and made a photo tutorial. These pictures span one day, during which I was home alone with a one-year-old and a three-year-old, so it really only shows a few hours or less of actual work. The difference a few hours makes (to me at least) is pretty mind-blowing.

1. Do enough dishes to thin the herd. You need to be able to see at least SOME countertop. (I apologize for not having a proper "before" picture. I decided to do the tutorial after I had already washed a bunch of dishes.)
   


2. Pick a corner to clean first. Start far from the sink and work towards it. I usually choose to start in the corner that it the most entrenched in junk. For me, this is my cookbook/coffee corner.
   


3. Clear away an approximately two-foot-wide section of counter. Put dirty dishes by the sink. It doesn't really matter where you put other things - I mostly just move them to another section of counter - but if you have something in your hand that can be put away, by all means, put it away.
   


4. Ew. That counter is gross. Well, you know the Crappy Housewife motto, "Let it soak." Throw a wet cloth over those gross blobs. Now go wash a dish or two while you let the water do its magic.
   


5. Wipe up the gross stuff under the cloth. Then clean the rest of the counter thoroughly with soapy water (or other cleaning product). Use your scraper of choice to loosen any tough globs. (The picture below shows my three favorite scrapers - a spatula, a pizza stone scraper and a big dough cutter thingy.) Personally, I like to scrape the big metal scraper across the whole countertop, just in case there are invisible globs that my cloth missed. Dry the counter well with a towel.
   


6. Put everything back in the first section that belongs there. Honestly, even if nothing gets put away, just having it sit in nice rows on a clean counter makes your whole kitchen look better. Clear the next section of counter. (Which, in this case, included a very cluttered windowsill.)
   


7. Clean surfaces, replace crap.
   


8. Clear the next section of counter, up to the sink. When you get to the sink, stop. You'll come back later and do the sink last. I have a good reason for this.
   


9. Clean section, replace crap. Left half of counter complete:
   
   Right half of counter still nasty:
   


10. Jump to the other corner, and repeat the process on that section of counter. Clear, clean, replace. Whenever you move an appliance, it's a nice idea to wipe it down before replacing it, including the little rubber feet that somehow always seem to be encased in something gooey.
    


11. The next section of counter is actually the stove, which desperately needs cleaning. Remove all removable components from the stove and put them in the sink to soak (this is why we didn't clean the sink, yet).
    
    Put wet cloths all over the surface of the stove to soak.
    
    


12. Okay, this stove-soaking project is going to take a while. You can clear the next section of counter while you wait.
    


13. Clean the surface of the stove, clean the next section of counter, then wash all the stove components you removed. Dry them and reassemble the stove.
    


14. Now all that's left is the sink and the stuff behind it. I don't actually have another place to put most of this stuff, so these before and after photos will show you how much of a difference the remove/clean/replace system makes even when you keep the clutter.
    
    


15. Step back and enjoy the view. (Just don't look at the floor, which suddenly looks so much worse in juxtaposition with the counters.)
    

BONUS TIP: Did you notice all the dirty dishes in that last picture? No? That's because my sister gave me the most awesome Crappy Housewife Tip, which I started using as soon as I made a trip to the store and bought the biggest dish tub they had in stock. Look back at the after picture of the whole kitchen. See the big black tub? It's full of dirty dishes. But because they are in a TUB, they have a place to be without cluttering up the counter or the sink. Brilliant. Thanks, sis!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Ditch the kitchen washcloths. It seems like no matter how good I am at wringing them out and hanging them up when I am done, dishcloths get stinky fast. Sometimes it seems like they're only good for a day or two before they smell too gross to use. And if you let them sit too long before washing them, that mildewy stink lingers, and they smell bad again the first time you use them.

Instead, get yourself some Handi Wipes (USA) or J Cloths (Canada). Imagine a halfway point between a paper towel and a washcloth, and there you have these (which don't seem to have an easy shorthand other than brand name, so I just call them "blue cloths"). Handi Wipes are $2 for a six-pack, which is about what you would pay for one or two washcloths.

But they're not just cheaper. Here are some of the many things I love about blue cloths:

-When you wring them out after using them, they get almost completely dry. You don't even need to hang them up; if you squeeze all the water out and leave them in a blob on the counter, when you come back a few hours later, the blob will be completely dry. And, if you recall your middle school science lessons, bacteria need moisture to thrive, so a dry cloth is a non-bacteria-y cloth. (Non-bacteria-y is totally the scientific term.)

-You can wash them in the washing machine. So, when they do get gross (usually because I let them sit inside a gross sink or something), you can just toss them in the wash. They only survive a handful of washings, because they are not designed to last forever, but they can go longer between washings because they dry out completely and don't get stinky. (I recommend air-drying them, though, the dryer makes them break down faster.)

-I don't feel bad throwing them out. So, if I have to clean up something really gross (I will spare you the examples), then I can just toss them, guilt-free. Their disposableness also makes them an awesome choice for outings and camping trips. In fact, they would also be an awesome thing to keep in the diaper bag. (Why didn't I think of that before? I'm going to go put one in there right now.)

-Because they come in multi-packs, I always have a bunch of them on hand. So when I am doing a big job, like cleaning all the kitchen counters, I can use several of them to soak more sections of counter at one time. I keep one on the high chair to use on faces, another by the sink to use on dishes, and another under the sink for cleaning.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make that sound so much like a commercial. I assure you that neither Handi Wipes nor J Cloths are paying me any money to say this stuff, I'm just a satisfied consumer/zealot. These things are awesome. Try them sometime.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

You know that little bag of magnet rocks you bought at the science museum that seemed so cool at the time, but you promptly forgot about? Go dig it out of whatever cold, dark corner it's hiding in. Those magnet rocks make awesome fridge magnets. They hold better than any of my "real" fridge magnets. Plus, they look really cool on your fridge.

Bonus tip: Check if your front door is magnetic. This was one of the most awesome discoveries in our apartment. It basically triples our "refrigerator door" space!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If it smells like poop in a hot car after traveling, look for that sippy cup you put milk in. Do it quick before it explodes!

(Submitted by Scatterbrained Homemaker)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If the kefir is ready, but you don’t feel like straining it right now, just stick it in the fridge. This halts the culturing process without hurting the grains, and you can neglect the kefir for a little bit longer without it becoming too potent to consume. Put it in front of something you use daily, though, like the Brita pitcher, so you don’t forget about it for too long.

(If I need to halt my kefir for more than a day, I put it in the fridge right after adding the grains to fresh milk. You can leave it for up to a week this way.)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you don’t have time to clean the whole kitchen, at least stack all the dirty dishes together on one section of counter, and clean the empty counter. Half a clean counter looks cleaner than a half-clean counter.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Remember those dirty dishes I told you to go ahead and put in a cardboard box in the backyard a month ago? Yeah, that's what I thought. Go bring them inside. Now, before you forget again.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Put a hamper in every room where dirty laundry tends to get dropped on the floor. Bedrooms and bathrooms are obvious choices, but consider a small hamper (or basket) near the couch in the living room, where socks get stripped off, or in the kitchen for dirty towels.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Don't own anything irreplaceable.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Babyproofing is annoying and time-consuming. I recommend passive resignation as an alternative. Move deadly hazards, like chemicals, and fragile things, like glassware, to top shelves. Then, just let the baby play with whatever is in the cabinets she can reach. Potatoes and pots and pans are the best toys, anyhow.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Light fixtures with multiple bulbs just give you that many more opportunities to put off replacing burnt-out bulbs. Four bulbs is almost as bright as five, and three bulbs is almost as bright as four. And really, two bulbs uses so much less energy than five - I'm not being lazy, I'm saving the planet!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Keep a stack of red party cups in your cabinet in front of the glasses, with a Sharpie for labeling tucked right inside the top cup.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Hate breaking down cardboard recycling? Just give a box to your kid and let them have at it. Before you know it that box will be more than broken down!

(Submitted by Trish)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

While the kids are taking their bath, pre-treat today's stained clothes in the bathroom sink. You're just sitting there supervising, you might as well be productive.

*Note: I realize that this almost qualifies as a Good Housewife Tip. I almost didn't post it, but then I remembered that the children of Good Housewives don't get stained clothes in the first place.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Making meatloaf for dinner, but didn't plan far enough ahead? Split the meat into two smaller loaves (or four much smaller loaves) and shave 20 minutes or more off the cooking time!

Don't have four loaf pans? No problem! I never use loaf pans for meatloaf. I just shape my meat into approximately loaf-like shapes and line them up on my broiler pan. The fat drips through the cracks this way, leaving your meatloaf leaner, and there's more crispy outside bits (everyone's favorite part of the meatloaf, anyhow).

What's that? You like baked potatoes with your meatloaf, but now they won't cook in time, because your meatloaf will be done too quickly? Just microwave them for a few minutes (2-3 minutes per potato) before throwing them in the oven to give them a head start.

Look at that, three tips in one post! Guess what we're having for dinner tonight!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Break cleaning tasks down in your head into smaller component tasks. It’s easier to find five minutes (and the accompanying motivation) to clean the toilet, then find five minutes later to clean the sink, then find 10 minutes another time to clean the tub, etc. than it is to find half an hour to clean the bathroom. You can also check more things off your to-do list this way, and feel more productive.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When company is coming, make hot apple cider. The simmering spices will make your house smell so great that they won’t even notice the stinky trash smell.

Crappy Housewife Recipe: Sunday Soup

When you're sick of leftovers, here's a handy way to give them new life:

Sunday Soup

1. On Friday, get a rotisserie chicken (or other cooked meat on the bone) for dinner from your favorite grocery store's deli department. This week, I sent Jeremy, and he came back with BBQ ribs and chicken.

2. After dinner, pick any leftover meat from the carcass and throw all the bones in a pot with just enough water to cover. (It's okay to use the bones that people ate right off of, because they will cook for long enough to kill any germs.)

Bonus Tip: If you used a pot to cook potatoes or vegetables for dinner, don't bother washing it. Just empty it and use it for your broth.

3. Look in the fridge for limp celery, dried out carrots, and any other "not rotten, but not pretty" vegetables you can find. Add them to the pot. You can add seasonings if you want, but I don't bother, since the meat I get from the grocery store is well-seasoned.

4. Bring the whole pot to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for an hour and a half, or until you are heading to bed and suddenly remember that there is broth on your stove.

5. Strain off the bones and veggies, and return the broth to the pot. Let it cool a bit, then stick the whole pot in your fridge.

6. On Sunday, take the pot out of the fridge. Skim the congealed fat off the top of the broth, then put the pot on the stove and bring it to a boil.

7. Rummage through your fridge and dig out soupifyable leftovers. This week, it was peas, beans, chicken (picked from the bones on Friday), and pasta with fresh tomatoes and corn. Be creative. You might be surprised how many things can go in the pot. Leftover casseroles make the soup into a cream-style soup, leftover soups make it extra-soupy. Cooked rice works well, too. If you don't have any leftover starches, add some dried noodles first, then when they are almost done, add all the already-cooked foods.

8. Simmer everything until heated through. If any of the leftovers were near their "Hmm, maybe we should toss that" date, cook them for a little longer before eating.

9. Eat and enjoy!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When company is coming for dinner, break out the good paper plates.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Find another Crappy Housewife and take turns cleaning each other’s houses. It’s a lot easier to clean someone else’s house than your own, and it’s a lot easier to clean your own house when someone is helping you. Besides, adult conversation is adult conversation, even when it's over dirty dishes.

Added bonus: If you both have kids, they can entertain each other while you clean, rather than interrupting you every five minutes to play with them. So you'll actually get more done together than one of you could ever get done in twice the time.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you take an article of clothing out of the washer and notice that it has a stain you forgot to pre-treat, don't throw it in the dryer. The dryer will just cook the stain in so it will be impossible to get out. Air dry it, and save it for "around the house" wear this week, and pre-treat the stain next time laundry day rolls around. It's not as effective as pre-treating it before the first washing, but it at least gives it a fighting chance.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If guests are on their way, and you don’t have time to do the dishes, throw all the dirty dishes in a box and stick it in the backyard or the basement (just don’t forget to bring it back inside after they leave).

Yeah, even I am ashamed of this one.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you're having people over the day after getting back from vacation, don't unpack the car until after they leave. Your guests won't see the inside of your car, so you're better off focusing your energy on the mess in your house.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When going on a family vacation, leave home a day or two before your spouse. That way, everything on the "to do before going on vacation" list that doesn't get done is his fault, not yours.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Sometimes, if I'm feeling really nice, I'll give Valerie a REAL sponge and REAL soapy water and let her scrub the outside toys. But only on special occasions, if she's being really good.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Designate one sippy cup for each child "for water use only". Then the next time you are scrambling to find a clean cup, but they all seem to be filled with either wine or cheese, you know there is at least one that is always relatively clean.

About

I am a stay-at-home mother of two and former lawyer who really hates housework. When I first got married, I had a lot of delusions about what kind of housekeeper I would be, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary (such as my college dorm room and my childhood bedroom). But, honestly, I just didn't care enough to make any of it happen. Ten years later, my house is just as messy as it ever was. But I've got a lot more tricks up my sleeve.

"The Crappy Housewife" is not a slam against housewives in general. I don't think that being a housewife is crappy, or that you are crappy because you are a housewife. But when I am faced with images in the media of what a "good" housewife is allegedly supposed to be, I have to laugh at myself. If a "good" housewife keeps an impeccable home and has dinner on the table at the same time every night and sews her own seasonally appropriate living room curtains, then I am definitely a "crappy" housewife. I don't enjoy housework. There are hundreds of things I would rather do than dust the furniture. So I have developed lots of little shortcuts, so that I can get over the housework and on with my life.

For a long time, I never shared my housekeeping tips because I figured that everybody else was either doing it the "right" way, or was already cutting the same corners as me. But every time I shared one of my tips on Facebook, I was surprised to discover that a lot of people actually liked hearing my tips. Apparently, being lousy at housekeeping and coming up with clever shortcuts don't always go hand in hand. It takes a special person to turn a hatred of housework into a challenge. And apparently, I'm special.

Are you special, too? Do you read this blog and find yourself nodding along and saying, "Hey, I already do that!" Congratulations, you might be a Crappy Housewife! It's not an insult, it's a badge of honor. You don't have to be married, or female, or a stay-at-home parent, in order to be a Crappy Housewife. You just have to be a creative problem solver who finds a way out of doing housework whenever possible. And if you are a Crappy Housewife, please feel free to share your tips with me! I'll post them as "submitted by" you, and include a link to your blog, if you want.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you can't seem to muster up the motivation to do the daily minutiae like washing dishes, take on a big project instead, like reorganizing the living room! (Actually, I don't know if this is good advice or not, but it's what I do. At least something is getting done, right?)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

If you have two bathrooms, buy two of every bathroom cleaner. I know how much motivation it takes to clean the toilet, and having to go downstairs to get the toilet brush and bowl cleaner is just that much more effort, and it’s often enough to tip the scales towards, “Don’t bother.”

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Learn to pick things up with your toes. It saves a lot of bending over.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Pack away the toys that are the most annoying to clean up - like the ones with hundreds of little pieces. Only bring them out on special occasions, preferably when children old enough to help clean up are visiting.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Even when you have your own washer and dryer, it's worth it to take your laundry to the laundromat once in a while when you're really behind on laundry. Go late at night and take over all the machines. You can do 12 loads of laundry at the laundromat in the time it takes to do one at home.

It helps to have all your clothes clean at one time, at least once per season, so that you can effectively gauge what new clothes you might need for the next season. Plus, you just might find that red shirt you thought you lost, hiding at the bottom of a laundry pile.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you’re tidying up downstairs, pile things that need to go upstairs on the bottom step. (If there are lots of little things, put a tote bag or box on the step to keep them all together.) The next time you go upstairs, grab a load from the step and take it up with you. This saves you a lot of trips up and down the stairs.

(Alternatively, if you’re trying to lose weight, don’t do this. Just think of all the extra exercise you’ll get running up and down the stairs!)

A few side notes:
-Make sure to leave enough room beside the pile so that you can walk right past the stuff and forget about it.
-If the bottom step is full, use the next step. If the second step is full, use the third step. If all the steps are full, then you're probably at my house.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Make two meals at once to reduce clean-up.

Some examples: Pack bag lunches while you’re making breakfast, put dinner in the crockpot while you’re making lunch, make twice as much dinner as you need tonight so there will be leftovers for tomorrow's dinner.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Pick a space in your house that you can resign to mess. Preferably one with a door that closes. A walk-in closet, basement, or bedroom works well. Then, when you're cleaning in a hurry, you can shove everything that doesn't have a place (or that would take too long to sort and put away properly) in there, and close the door.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Potty train your kids directly onto the toilet, rather than a little kiddie potty. Otherwise you'll get stuck washing that darned potty 700 times a day, like me.

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

What to do with socks that never have mates? Use for dusting. I've also used doubled up socks in a pinch when for some reason I cannot find my hot pot holders.

(Submitted by Scatterbrained Homemaker)

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

Pack a lunch and go the park. Or even just the backyard. Picnic lunches require no clean-up!

Crappy Housewife Tip of the Day

When you need to do a rush cleaning job (is there any other kind?), the first thing you should do is go outside. Then come back in and look around objectively, as a guest. What are the first five glaring things that jump out at you? Clean those things first. Then sit down where your guest is most likely to sit and do the same thing. You notice different messes from different points of view, so it's worth trying out a few different vantage points.